Life is Precious

A couple nights ago I was sitting with friends and one said something that kind of stuck with me. They said, "What if this was the last time we talked?" They were implying, what if after we parted ways something tragic happen and we were gone. This has been brought up multiple times in my life, just throughout random conversations, but for some reason it struck me more than usual. Maybe it's being so far from home. Or not being able to see my family everyday. It could be the fact that I am in a part of my life where there are people in my past I will never see or talk to again. Not because of death, but for other reasons as well. My mind went thinking and questions kept coming up in my mind. What was the last thing I said to my family? What did I say to my friends right before I left home? What was the last thing I said to the last person who made me angry? Or the person who made me sad? We have so many people who go through our lives, but do we ever stop to think, this is it, the last time I will ever see you. No, we don't. As humans I think we have this automatic way of thinking there is no way this is it. All those tragedies that randomly take place, we think that won't be me. One day, what if it is though? Coming from a school where we did lose loved ones unexpectedly, we came together and appreciated life more. We thought before we spoke, we showed our love for people because we didn't know if that was the last time we could. Now it has been a few years and do we still do that? As time goes by, we heal, but we also forget. We don't forget those lost, but we forget the importance of life and not wasting it. 

Think back to the last person you spoke to. Was it kind words you said? Or maybe a more bitter conversation? Is that how you would want your final conversation to go with that person? If the conversation was really an argument, was it worth it? Were the words and pain worth it? My opinion here, but I would say no. 

Some of you may already know this experience, but others may not. Quite a few years ago my brother and I stopped speaking to each other. The whole family did, but after a while it was just me who would not speak. An argument had taken place, words were said and people were hurt. A couple years passed and as I said, my family and my brother started speaking again. Bonds were slowly being fixed and hearts were being healed. I, on the other hand, was still torn apart. When he would come over, I was gone. I stayed in my room and did not speak a word. I couldn't think about him without getting angry. I missed him, but I could not forgive him. I did not speak to him, for what I remember to be three years. ( Mom and Dad sorry if the timing was inaccurate. That's just what I remember. ) For three years I did not speak to my brother. One of the people I had grown up with, loved, and was family. About three years ago, my heart was changed when out of the blue I was able to finally let the anger go and forgive. Over those three years I was consistently asking for help to forgive, and I finally could. I still remember the night very vividly. He had surprised my parents in coming over and I, as usual, went to my room, still saying nothing. That night I had a performance for the Star Spangled Banner with my choir and needed to go. My parents told him we needed to leave and as we all started heading out. I had to leave my room. Obviously I can't teleport from my room to the van, though that would be cool. I quickly got in the van and watched as his face, full of hurt that I still would not utter a word to him, started to drive off. As he started to drive away, a feeling of peace washed over me and before I knew it I was jumping out of the van crying and yelling his name. He turned around, stopped and all I remember from there was hugging him for the first time in three years. To this day I have never been closer to him than I am. He is such an incredible brother and does what ever he can to be there for me. 

Why share this story? Looking back I know that I struggled with forgiving and I see a reuniting that I will never forget, but I also see three years that I lost with someone that I love. I can't help but think about what it would have felt like if something had happen to him. My last words to him would have been that of hatred and cruelty. His last memory of his sister would have been silence. It pains me to think that could have become a reality. I'm not saying that I did not grow from that experience. Or that it did not need to happen. But I will always see those as three years I missed with my brother. 

Life is fragile. Life is not going to last forever. We can't predict when our last breathe will be. We don't know if the last words we spoke will be our last. As we go through our days we should be speaking with love. Don't put off doing the important things in life. Don't set aside the ones you love because you think you'll have time for them later. In reality you might not. 

I love each and everyone of you. For anyone that I have ever hurt in my life, I am truly sorry. There are better words that could have been said and more love that could have been given. Forgiveness is essential for everyone, including me. I know there are things I need to work on and from this day on I will try harder to work on those things. Yes, disagreements are going to happen. It is inevitable. That doesn't mean we can't move past them and understand there are more important things in life. 

Sorry for this being so long and more serious. I guess this is something that, though mentioned several times in my life, has never resonated with me like it did this time. 

Like I said before, I love you all and thank you for reading! I'll try to keep the next one more light and happy. 

Much love,

MJ