Me and My List
February 22, 2025 I started my list.
Let's start with a little backstory to help us get to the point where a change even needed to happen. Oh and for context, this is my weightloss journey. One that start with a list.
Throughout my whole life, weight has been something that was always in the back of my mind. Genetics have and will never be on my side. I have been aware of this for a long time. I stayed active in certain activities through high school and college so this helped me even when my eating was not always where it should be. On my mission, though in the moment it was awful, I had some companions who truly helped me stay on track. They would run, so I would run. Walking every day as a missionary just helped.
Coming home I was still in school and my job was one where I still got to be moving. I was somewhat careful about what I ate, but my activity level helped immensely. I then got married to the love and my life and nothing really changed. Then we decided it was time to grow our family. We were thrilled! We knew it was right and we moved forward. I got pregnant and life was great. I was a full time student and was still working my part time job. COVID had hit, so life did slow down more than it had been. This is where what I ate started to become more of a factor. I was pregnant, so I did what most pregnant women do. I ate what sounded good, no matter what. This was often sweets or food that was generally just not great for me.
By the time I had our sweet baby boy, I had gained 60 pounds. I had passed the 200 mark.
In the last year or so, I have done a lot of reflecting. I know that a lot of what has held me back in the past is myself. Yes, genetics don't help, but that also doesn't mean that they are what is stopping me from moving forward.
In the year after having Liam, I was able to lose about half of the weight pretty quickly. 175! Heavier than I ever had been, but hey that was half the weight! And I didn't change a whole lot. Life picked back up post COVID and now I was taking care of a little one. Shortly before we finished our time in Rexburg, something changed. If I am being honest, I still am not sure exactly what it was. I have guessed that maybe in was going off birth control, but when things still were the same 2 years later, I am no longer sure that was the case. In about 3 months, I jumped back up 20 pounds. I was back up to 195 pounds in my 5'2" body.
I fluctuated between 195 and 185 for years.
Nick and I decided to go off birth control again in April 2022. We thought it was the time expand our family again. For the next 2 years, we went back and forth because of the lack of success we would have. Times we would try, other times, we felt it was just up to the Lord. Sometimes, putting a pause on trying all together.
Before I get to where change happened, I need to give a little more background on me. I love sweets. I have always known that I have a sweet tooth. Savory or sweet, sweet wins every single time. I think about food often. When will food fit into my day and what food will that be? I thought this was normal for people. My mom had a friend who introduced her to a program called "Bright Line Eating". They have a quiz you can take that tells you about your susceptibility to food. I decided to take the test after she told me about it. I scored a 9/10. I was curious, so I asked my husband to take it too. Nick scored a 2. I had no idea that the way I thought about food was not the case for all people.
More background (because I overshare and it helps paint the picture - you're welcome). I have tried to give up things, let's be real sugar and sweets, in the past, but have never been able to keep anything up with success. I tried the program that went with Bright Line Eating, and I did not keep it up. I already don't drink soda. I would go a week without sweets. but then would go right back to it after the week was up. I wasn't changing anything in the long term.
February 2025. Nick had finally started moving forward with his career. He was in the academy for ATC. Life was finally moving out of limbo. We had paused on trying for a baby for a while at this point and we realized this was going to come to an end very soon. This time, I knew that I wanted a baby. I did before, don't get me wrong, but this time it was different. I had been waiting and trying to trust God's timing, but I wanted one so badly. I know that it is not up to us when we are given these miracles, but I also knew that there was something that I could be doing to help. I could be preparing the body that would be carrying this baby when God deemed it time.
I wish I could tell you that was the only motivating factor, but it wasn't.
During the previous year, I had gotten involved in a community choir. I LOVED it. It was also the first time in a while that I was in pictures with people other than my family. The person I saw in those pictures was not me. It was not the version of myself I wanted to be or someone I really recognized. I knew I had to do something if I wanted there to be any change. So I made a choice.
Not a week. Not a month. A year.
A lot of people like to call what I did "no sugar" or "no sweets" and this isn't entirely correct. What I choose to do was more personalized than that. What I choose to give up would not work for someone else. I decided to make a list. I made a list of the things that I struggle with. The things I really struggle to have self control with. Yes, most of the items are sweets and treats; however, not all sweets and treats are on my list. I still have my original list that I made, but it has evolved greatly from a year ago. I no longer go "Is it on my list?", but more "Would that be on my list?". If the answer is yes, then I don't have it. I didn't want to be living according to the list, but I wanted my list to help me change. There are plenty of items that are not on my physical list, but that doesn't mean I get to have them. You can't see it in the picture, but I haven't actually edited my physical list since March 2025.
So why a year? I had tried the other options and they didn't help me make true change. I knew that in one year I was going to hit every single birthday, holiday, special occasions, and life changes (well not all life changes obviously, but I knew we had big ones coming) that could tempt me. I would go through all of it and still have to say no. There was not going to be any exceptions.
Did it actually work?
For me, yes! But it was not the only change that I would need to make.
175 has become a little bit of a bitter number to me. I was able to drop down to 175 again by the end of April/beginning of May. I had made great progress in just a few short months. I was so thrilled! I couldn't believe it, honestly. It took a while, but I even saw the number 172. For the first time in 5 years I had gone below 175. Then I went back up. And I stayed right where I was for months. Come the end of July/beginning of August, I was still there. I was still keeping to my list, but I hadn't lost any more. Truthfully, I had started to think maybe this is where I was destined to stay forever. Dramatic, yes. It's me, I can be that way sometimes.
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| Wearing a shirt I had never fit, but owned for years. |
September 16, I saw a 6. 168.8. I cried I was so excited. I continued to stay active, even after my job was done. I would try to go on walks and just keep moving. Was I still as active as I had been? No, but this is where I also started to make other changes.
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| Finally fit my winter coat after 5 years! |
By mid December I had hit a new all time low since having Liam. 160. I saw 160. I had officially lost 45 of the 60 pounds I gained while pregnant. I only had 15 pounds left until I was at my goal weight!
I was there for 2 days.
December 17 we found out we were expecting our little Christmas miracle. So many tears of joy were shed when we found out, after all, we'd been praying for this! Within a few weeks, fatigue hit me pretty hard.When I thought about my year mark in February, I had originally been so excited to see just how close I was going to be to my goal. Becoming pregnant, I knew I was going to have to change my perspective. It was going to be a while before I hit my goal. And that was okay.
My body was way more prepared to be pregnant at the point it happened, than it was 10 months prior. I am proud of how far I came. I am proud that I am carrying this new little one in the body I worked hard to prepare.
I am going to be honest here, because why not? It's my blog. This pregnancy has been hard mentally due to my weightloss journey. I am already almost back to the 170's and that is really hard to see. Not being able to be active due to the fatigue and having to increase my food intake so I don't pass out has not been the easiest. I have had many days where I didn't get on the scale because I didn't want to see it. And yes, I have had many people tell me, "You're pregnant, put the scale away!" I can't do that. I don't struggle with a number on the scale in the same way others do, so I know for some, they would most definitely need to put the scale away. Everyone is different. This is my journey and I personally know what works best for me. I am working to do this in a way that is healthy for me and for baby. I am no longer trying to actively lose weight. I am actively trying to make smart choices for me during this pregnancy. Ones that I know I didn't make the first time through. The scale is just a tool I am using to stay aware.
The biggest choice I have made since being pregnant is not giving up my list. I have said many prayers that the foods I would be okay with would be ones that I could have. I also had many honest and real conversations with my husband about helping me because even if something sounded really good, if it was on my list, I didn't want it. I needed to do this for myself.
Food is something I know not everyone can be as picky about when pregnant, so I know that also wouldn't work for everyone. Personally, I haven't had the strong food aversions and food cravings that most experience. This makes sticking to my list easier.
As I have approached my year mark, a common question that I am asked is "Are you going to keep it up or stop now?". I can't say when the decision was officially made, but along the way, I came to the conclusion that this is a change I am going to have to implement for the rest of my life.
I do not have a healthy relationship with food. I have tears in my eyes just typing those words, but I know how true it is. The way I have come to understand and know myself in the last year has been incredible. I have been able to be more honest and real than I have ever have in my life. If I want to have a healthy body, then I have to be willing to make sacrifices. That is my reality. I made the hard decision to start a year ago, so I am making the easier decision to just keep going now.
I used to view myself as someone who if they ever got to a heavier weight would always stay there. That I would never have the will power to change that. I proved myself wrong over the last year and I hope to continue to prove that to myself and my family as I live my life in a healthier way.
There are a few things I want to make sure I address before wrapping this up. Addiction is real in any form, and for me that comes with food. Yes, sweets are my weakness. What I noticed early on though was how fast we can switch out one thing for another. I really had to catch myself because just because I gave up this big list of sweets, doesn't mean I could go eat all the chips I wanted.
I made the choice that if something became too much of a crutch, it was added to the list. Nothing was exempt from being added if needed. Once it was added to the list, it wasn't coming off.
Will I never have those items again?? No. I decided that my year mark was going to be a day of celebration. How would I celebrate? By enjoying some of the foods that I had given up over the last year! Would that work for everyone? No. Not at all. I know for a lot of people, that one day could set them back all the way. This was a choice I made, that I knew would work for me.
For those who are curious, I celebrated with Nick and Liam. We had Culvers and I actually enjoyed custard with them! It was fun! We picked out different candies and I enjoyed them while having a movie night. I tried one of those new butterbeer peeps (6/10 if you're wondering and I love peeps). I ended my 24 hours with sharing a little Nothing Bundt Cake with my family. Was it more sugar than I maybe planned or should have had in 24 hours? Did I feel the effects of it the next day? Yes and yes. Those were the choices I made for me and that's all that matters. They don't have to be the choices someone else makes.
On a different note. A thought: weight loss journeys are interesting. Sometimes people have this struggle to balance the idea of wanting to better yourself and love yourself no matter what you look like. I have always struggled with self esteem, but luckily I have a husband who is amazing at remind me of my worth. I know that I could love myself no matter what size I am. I wanted to love myself, but also love the body that I was living this life in. I didn't love it because I was always uncomfortable and knew that I was not doing the best I could for myself and my family.
Through all of this, the moment that meant the most to me was when I realized I was more excited to go back to my list than I was sad for the celebration to be over. A list that has changed me and my relationship with food. A change I plan to keep throughout the rest of my life.
So for now I am going to keep to my list while enjoying the miracle of being pregnant. And when the time comes to lost weight again, I'll be ready. And this time, it's not going to take 5 years.
MJ
This was a side by side I used to remind myself of how far I had come. Same shirt, different me.
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